The Value of Quality

I had the chance to ride home from a softball game (we won, by the way) with a really good friend of mine.  I haven't really had a chance to just sit and chat with her one on one any time in the recent past, and it was nice to just talk about whatever.  Needless to say, the question of how each other's dating life is going came up.  I'm not going to pretend that the subject doesn't come up with anyone else I talk to as well, but the difference with talking to her about it was that I felt completely comfortable being open about my thoughts and problems while talking with her. Nothing about my love life, or lack thereof, got solved through talking about it, but just to know that I have a quality friend in her, was awesome to me.  It's something that I value a lot! Fortunately, I have a handful more of this type of people in my life, and I definitely count myself blessed because of it.

I just watched the movie Leap Year (2010), from SpyGlass Entertainment, at the suggestion of a very good friend.  Not worth the time unless you want a typical cheesy movie with the same cliche plot. However, I was disappointed for two main reasons that were unrelated to the plot itself:

1) Amy Adams, I discovered, is not a very good actress...or at least, she was not in this movie.  That really surprised me after having seen her in Enchanted.  I was blown away at how perfectly she had played her role in Enchanted, but maybe playing innocent princess is just her forte. 

2) I only watched the movie because this good friend of mine, who happens to be an ex-girlfriend, told me that the main male character reminded her of me; mainly in the things that I would do.  I was a little disappointed to see that a) he was not really good looking, and b) I consider myself to be a whole lot funnier than this guy was. Apparently I may not be quite the crack up that I find myself to be. :D Oh well, such is life.

Inspiracion

Once upon a time I sat down to work on my final project that is not started but is due on Thursday. However, the boredom and desire to procrastinate was too much. I could not continue any further. To my delight I happened to spot the name "Hannah Gibby" on my gchat list, and although she had the busy sign on her status, I knew that it did not apply to me. Thus I chatted her to ask her the wisdom in her ways of blogging. She told me that it was her desperation and willingness to flaunt that made her successful in the blog sphere. I thought to myself, desperate....I can do desperate...thanks for the inspiration Hannah! You've inspired me to be desperate! :D

It always amazes me to be able to read other peoples' blogs and see all that they come up with to post. In real life I can talk a long time and not really say anything, but when it comes to putting something down as a blog entry, I tell you what, I just clam up like a fat kid with cookie crumbs around his mouth when his mom is asking all the kids who ate the cookies. Anyhoo, here's to you diligent bloggers out there. I hope to be like you someday, if only in being able to keep a continuous blog. In the mean time, the picture above totally cracks me up. Sometimes you might feel like you're one of the kids holding on (cue Mr. Buble: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOQmTmUWF0s) with everything you've got when life is tossing you around like a rag doll. But when you get done with the ride, there's a good chance you're thinking, "THAT-WAS-AWESOME!" Silly cat, water tubing is for kids.

Summertime Special

I'm a huge fan of the seasons, because with each one comes different feelings within me. Each season leaves its distinct impression on me, and every now and then, as I take the time to look around me and to be still, there's a distinct, and amazing feeling that rushes through me that I can't describe as anything else other than happiness.

In winter, its being outside on a cold, clear night being able to see my breath, and feeling the crispness in the air as I look up to the stars and enjoy the silence that only winter can bring, with an occasional dog barking, or car passing by.

In spring, happiness is feeling the excitement of new life and new hope at the prospect of new opportunities and adventures! It's the explosion of color as the white disappears, and the incredible feeling of walking outside to a refreshing breeze or calm warm night and my body doesn't cringe in an attempt to adjust.

In fall, the exhilarating feeling comes from the start of a new football season, both high school and college, and the bright lights that flood the fields on Friday nights at local schools. It's the chill on my cheeks and my nose as I'm outside enjoying the gradual transition of the weather from the summer's extreme heat to the winter's harsh cold, all the while I'm perfectly comfortable in my hoodie and jeans. It's the changing of the leaves colors everywhere I turn, and the sound of the leaves crunching under my feet as I walk.

But tonight it was summer that gave me that euphoric feeling that I've come to cherish, and I was not disappointed. As I was outside playing tennis with some awesome new friends, enjoying the sounds of smooth jazz drifting over from a house across the street, the sun began to set and the temperature reached its perfect equilibrium where it feels just right on my skin. As I inhaled I caught a faint whiff of bonfire smoke, and other smells that make summer what it is. I looked up and, as always, I was amazed by the beauty of the mountains and amazing detail that I could see as the trees stood out against a blue sky. It was then that summer officially arrived for me, and that the feeling of contentment rushed through me.

What an awesome opportunity to be able to live in climate that offers so much change, that I am able to appreciate each season because of distinct feelings that only it brings. Life is good!

My second, and last, entry on this blog occurred almost three years ago and in it I expressed my views on love and how we truly come to fall in love. For those who read it, I realize there may have been some who thought it to be too cheesy, but for those who have been in love, I am fairly confident that you can relate to what I wrote. Over the past three years I have come to gain more understanding and perspective through many experiences. My purpose in this entry is simply to share those with whomever chooses to read this. Ready? Here we go...

In my last entry I spoke of a poem that I had heard while on an LDS mission that involves a man being told to go the edge of a mountain and his reluctance. The voice that prompts the man to go to the edge gets louder and firmer until he finally goes to the edge, and just as he was afraid would happen, he was pushed. To his surprise, however, he began to fly instead of fall.

The purpose of that story when I originally heard it was to express the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and to illustrate to the listener it's ability to lift us to new heights if only we'll listen to and trust in the Lord. The reason that I used the story while discussing the topic of love, as I pointed out, was that the power behind the Atonement is just that, Love. It is the Love of our Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ, that provide us with the strength to continue on when our knees are weak and our hands hang down. It is that same Love that provides the healing power that each and every one of us needs in our life at at least one point or another. It is that Love that ultimately provides us the opportunity to make it back in to the presence of our loving Heavenly Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ.

So why then am I continuing to expound on an entry that I wrote almost three years ago? The reason is this; I originally stated that we'll never REALLY fall into love unless we go to the edge and are willing to jump. I commented that although we may fall many times, and it may hurt, we eventually heal and must continue to jump again and again until we finally take flight and are able to soar to new heights. I still believe this is important, and that we must take chances on others and that we must allow them to take chances on us in order to ever come to know the greatest feelings of love; however, through many painful albeit growing experiences, I have come to decide that it is not a bad idea to often approach the ledge with caution, and unless prompted by the Spirit of God, to not do so at all. What I mean by this is that although God has the ability to pick us up and to lift us to new heights, we also have the possibility of falling and having great pain and damage inflicted upon us. Often times in our lives we try to make things work because we see no reason that they should not, or perhaps we just feel that we know what is best for us. Many times we do not have the feeling of assurance or peace of heart and peace of mind given us from the Holy Ghost, when we attempt to fall in love with another person and for whatever reason, when we jump, we fall, but it is not into love. It is eventually into pain and heartache that was not necessary. Sure there may have been a thrill for a short time as we were falling and waiting for the wings to come and the flight to start, but the moment never came and we were forced to face the fact that there was never any true substance or power behind our feelings, only the rush that we often feel from new experiences and the determination to keep moving forward derived from the desire to not be alone. Eventually we hit the ground with a thud!

Unfortunately, I have found myself at the bottom on a couple of different occasions over the past few years, and have not understood what it was that went wrong. Why did the wings not come? Wasn't I doing what I was supposed to by taking a chance on another and allowing love to develop? On at least one occasion, I didn't want to get up and try again. I didn't know how I could try again! The pain was to great and I had no desire. It was not until I cried out in helplessness to the Lord that I was able to begin to heal and with His help to make my way eventually back up to the ledge where I started from. However, I hadn't really understood what went wrong the first time and figured that I would be smart enough to recognize the mistake as it presented itself the next time around...Thud!...Thud!...Thud!! The moment of realization failed to come on several proceeding occasions.

Sometimes we become so determined to do something right and to become an expert at it that we begin to ignore the fundamentals, and seemingly small things, and begin to focus on how we'll use our strengths to come out victorious. It's not until we fail enough times to where our pride is broken that we are able to see what was missing all along, the small yet vital things. It's taken me almost three years and the most incredible person that I've ever met to be able to realize that the ledge should be approached with caution, and sometimes not at all. There is no need to rush to the ledge when we do not have the prompting from the Spirit to do so. Often times we may feel that we are ready to take a chance on someone, and to let them take a chance on us, but they may not be ready; as a result we could not only end up hurting ourselves in the fall, but we can drag another down who was not ready to jump at all. Other times it may just take time to establish a relationship, or at least a foundation, of trust and respect to where both of you are ready to take that chance, relying on the power of the Lord. In many cases, as we take the time to approach the ledge we realize before we get there, that as amazing as the other person is, they are not right for us and we are able to escape without harm, but still having learned valuable lessons and hopefully having gained an invaluable friend.

I guess in conclusion, the main thing that I have learned in the past three years is this: The Lord's power is endless and without limits. The Atonement can and will provide us with the healing, and enabling power that we need to pick ourselves up from poor choices, many that were made with good intentions, and help us to get back to where the Lord wants us to be. I have felt both aspects of the Atonement in my life numerous times over the past few years alone and each time it has brought a comfort and relief that cannot be described, nor can it be understood by those who have not sought to feel it. However, we do not need to put ourselves at the bottom of the cliff in pain and agony needlessly in many instances. If we will only seek out the will of the Lord in our lives and heed the counsel and direction that we are given, we will become stronger without having had to suffer quite so many times. I do believe that at times we will be given the assurance that it is OK to jump, and sometimes we will end up at the bottom still. Both parties involved always have their agency and sometimes we will feel the consequences of doubt, or fear, or decisions made by the other party while in mid free fall. Perhaps they will realize after having jumped that they had not gotten the confirmation from the Lord for reasons specific to them, but the Lord will pick us up again EVERY time if we will only cry out to Him. My new approach to falling in love? Proceed with caution, seek the guidance of the Lord and act on His time. When the time, and conditions are right, we'll be sure to take flight.

The topic of love and relationships came up today. It got me thinking about my last relationship. I heard some really interesting opinions and statements. (By the way Janae, I completely agree with every opinion I heard you express.) I'm constantly amazed at people's views on what love is and how they "protect" themselves from the hurt that can come in the pursuit of it. This it the main thought that I had, if you want to hear more of my opinions on the topic then feel free to ask, but it's not a topic that I can fit in a blog. It's a hard thing to get on paper period...

You'll never really be IN love until YOU'RE COMPLETELY IN. I believe that the phrase "fall in love" came about for a good reason. It points out what you have to do to get there. I would argue that everyone comes to the point where they're at that edge where they have to choose to back off or make that jump. There's an old french poem/story, and I regrettably do not know the author, nor do I have it memorized, but it goes something like this:

On a journey, a man comes to a cliff and stops to decide what he should do.

He hears a voice that says, "Go to the edge"

The man replies, "No, I'll fall."

The voice again says in a little firmer tone, "Go to the edge"

The man's response is again, "No! I'll fall"

The third time the Voice says in a very firm tone, "GO TO THE EDGE"

The man gives in and goes to the edge, and as expected is pushed from behind.

He begins to fall when suddenly he is given wings and begins to fly.

Now this can be related to spiritual things such as the Atonement of Jesus Christ as well, and that is because it all comes back to one thing; LOVE. We'll never really be able to fly until we experience the power of true love. If we never take the chance of going to the edge and making that step, or even allowing ourselves to be pushed, then we'll never develop wings.

There's a line in the movie, "Batman: The Beginning" that says, "We fall so that we can learn to pick ourselves up again." Only in developing a relationship with God are we given an assurance that we will never fall. He will always lift us up with His Love and give us the power to fly when we make that jump. With people in our lives, we're never quite sure what the outcome will be. But that doesn't mean that we're safer to just avoid being hurt. Sometimes we have to go to that cliff's edge and fall a dozen or more times before we succeed in finding true and lasting love. Sometimes we'll find that love for a while and we'll fly for a time until something happens and we fall even further because we flew to higher heights than we started at. It'll hurt more than it would have originally, but at least we will have learned what it feels like to soar and to be free! We'll know what it is to not have any worries and to just enjoy everything around us.

That analogy doesn't completely express my thoughts, but it gets the point across. I was just reminded today of my last girlfriend and our relationship. I allowed myself to take the chance and jump, even though a frienship was on the line, and I'll never regret having done it. That year was the happiest year of my life, even though it had some rocky moments. Every relationship has a couple. I was ALL in and it felt amazing! I loved waking up everyday and hoping that I'd see her face and hear her voice. I grew so much as I put her first and me second. It felt good to not be thinking of myself. I loved doing something that would make her smile, because my heart would melt everytime she did. I loved feeling her warmth as we cuddled and watched a movie, or as we sat outside under the stars with the cool night air chilling our cheeks and just talked. Sometimes our feelings were said best as we just sat there saying nothing at all. She made me want to be better every day. I wanted to deserve having her by me all the time, even though I knew it was impossible. It gave me hope and a smile on my face even when there didn't seem to be much to smile about. There were so many nights that as I was driving home after just dropping her off or having left her house that I just wanted to shout to release all the joy that was trapped inside of me.

And then I left on my mission for two years in Michigan. The letters started out strong at first, but within the first few months they began to taper off. Another few months and she might as well not have existed. In fact she was dead for all I knew. But the thought of her was constantly their in mind. I couldn't even concentrate some days because my thoughts were so focused on her and why I hadn't heard from her and why would she do this to me? One day I got a letter in the mail and she told me that the feelings weren't there. That they had faded...as I read that letter so did my desire to do anything. My heart felt like it had just been violently ripped out of my chest and torn in pieces. There was nothing there but an empty hollow space and a whole lot of pain; sharpt at first, and then it just turned into a dull constant throb. For the first month or two I was pretty devastated. Why would someone who I loved so much, and who I would do anything for do this to me? What happened to the love that was there? Did it just run out on her end? Because I had plenty on my end that she could have. If only it worked that way, right? The months dragged on and in time, the dull pain began to fade, but the empty space was still there. More time passed and the wounds began to heal. After seven months, I finally felt like I was completely over her. There was no longer a thought of going home and winning her back. There was no longer the desire. In less than a year and a half we had both grown so far apart that we were different people anyway. I learned that she had started dating the guy she had had a fling with just before we had started dating. She was happy, and I was happy for her.

I realize that as much as it hurt (and I did think that I would never pick myself up from that as I was going through it) it is a relationship that I'll always be grateful for. The happiness and joy that I had in that year outweighs any hurt and pain that i felt afterwards. I realize that now, as I look back. I have no problem returning to that edge time after time, if that's what it's going to take. I'm not afraid to hit bottom time after time, because eventually I know that I'll have that plunge where I fall. But it won't be into pain, it'll be into love again. And that love will only get stronger as I climb to new heights.

*LOL! If you got this far, then my props to you. As I look back over this it's quite long and I realize it probably seems a little cheesy, but hey, that's what love is, right? Allowing yourself to just let go and not care what it sounds like, or what it looks like. It's a great feeling...